Picture the scene. Youre 8 years old. You like cars and you like robots. Its the mid-eighties, your hair is bigger than your dad's credit card statement and everythings good. The biggest debate is whether Megatron could kill Darth Vader and you wonder if that kid who says his dad works for a toy company and owns a full size Death-Star is actually telling the truth. Yes, in these days of iPhone that, Digg this and Credit Crunch the other, it was a simpler time.
Transformers, as you all know, were the best toys of all time and now, fast forward to the dark days of 2009 and theres a glimmer of hope as of last night, Michael Bays trailer for the new Transformers film is released, getting us all excited about the film coming out in June.
Looks pretty cool, doesn't it?
To celebrate this occasion, we went into the loft, cried that our parents had thrown out all of our old toys and then went online to see what the old-school Transformers were really like back in the day and came up with this list, a list of the crappest Transformers and their cars:
Remember Blurr? He was the fastest Transformer of them all. He was blue and spoke in a way that was more annoying than working from home on a snow day. Check out this picture if you dont believe me on how awful he was. Words cannot explain the annoyance of this crappy invention. And, as a toy, his car was rubbish, looking like a load of mints stuck together.
This is a toy that your parents loved, firstly it was the toy of two non-violent things: A train and a space shuttle. How can you fight with that? It was heavy though, so you could possibly hit your brother over the head with it. Astrotrain reminds me of Nightboat from the Simpsons how could he get anywhere unless there was a railway track?? Rubbish.
Another piece of rubbish. Not a car, and not even able to move under his own steam, so a bit suspect on being on our list, he was a walkman when they were cool. I guess now hed be an Ipod touch. Hang on a mo, hes evil isnt he hed probably be a Zune then. He couldnt even really speak; only is noteworthy due to his relationship with Megatron.
6) Rodimus Prime
He was a red truck-thingie. He had a lot to live up to, replacing the truck that was Optimus Prime in the original movie (not the one that came out a couple of years ago, the one that came out in 1986) all the fans hated him and his toy was rubbish. It was like a drumstick on wheels. Fortunately even the toy makers saw that he was crap and bought Optimus Prime back in charge through a very convoluted method that only children under 10 can tell you about.
Is it fair to put him on the list of rubbishness? He did have the voices of both Eric Idle and Weird Al Yankovic and his whole mantra was to recycle everything. Well, the end result was that he lived in his own filth and never learnt to read and write properly, which meant he spoke in TV speak, or to put it another way, like Yoda if hed been whacked on the head.
He transformed into a motorbike. But, could you play with it? Nope, as you needed a rider, and that didnt come with it. Even using Barbie didnt work. Useless.
A pretty effeminate robot and why was he named after an insect when theyd not been on Earth at all? He was a Volkswagen Beetle in the old days and a Chevy Camaro in the new film. They all had one thing in common they were always yellow and always had an unhealthy interest in people, wanting them to be friends and all that. Why is he rubbish? Come on. Hes a yellow Beetle that wants people to be his friends do I need to say anymore?!?
I think this was an opportunity, especially in the film to add some ethnicity into the robots. But Jazz was rubbish, talking like white people think people in the ghetto talk like, he was just annoying. And quite rightly was killed off. As a toy car, he was a Porsche 935 which is well cool. Thats his problem, he was trying to be too cool and ended up being naff. I cheered when he was torn in two in the film.
2) Ultra Magnus
Ohwere getting into the dregs now. Ultra Mangnus was so rubbish, he wasnt even able to be able to take over the leadership when the driving drumstick was in charge. As a toy he was a car transporter and it seems that everyone did their very best to get rid of him, but someone loved him and kept him going. If you got this present for Christmas, you knew your parents hated you.
Come on! It was a female Transformer called Arcee! How did that get past everyone?! Which writer was having an argument with his imaginary wife/girlfriend to come up with that as a name?
She was rubbish. Remember what it was like being 8? Girls had fleas, and the colour pink would burn your skin so why would you wanna play with this pink car? Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.
Any Transformers that we missed out? Which ones did you think were rubbish? Let us know by commenting below.