When the four horsemen ride into town, it’s wise to be in a vehicle heading in the opposite direction, or, better still, get a ride that’s got some firepower. If the Mayan calendar is right and we’re all headed for some kind of fiery and brimstoney end (I’m putting a tenner on it being Michael Moore’s fault) then it’s time to start thinking about saving for a car that can really crush the skulls on the way to the burned down husk of what used to be the local petrol station. On the plus side, the apocalypse will undoubtedly make the pasties taste better.
As usual, Obama is a step ahead. He’s got himself a pair of wheels that makes Pimp My Ride look like the Morris Minor Owners Club. Built by Cadillac, codenamed “Stagecoach”, nicknamed “the Beast”, designated “Limo One”, even riding bitch* in this car should be considered a privilege. David Caldwell of General Motors gives us a lowdown on the car’s specification: ‘One of the specifications is that we don’t talk about the specifications.’ Very Fight Club.
Obama knows the score. And HDR photography
Still, it doesn’t do any harm to speculate. How does an estimated weight of eight tons, a hermetically sealed environment to protect from chemical attack, a Kevlar-reinforced floor, run-flat tyres and ballistic glass five inches thick sound? In fact, the only things to worry about in the Beast are weak bridges and someone cutting a fierce one inside the airproof cabin. Still, I bet Obama’s smell of roses, right?
For some, the possibility of death by apocalypse in a Cadillac is too much to bear. Sure, it’s a fiercesome piece of machinery, but it’s still a car. Time to open up the cheque book and make away with some military kit before the half million bounces.
The M1117 Armoured Security Vehicle, apart from sounding like online frag speak (‘Haha I just totally M1117 your Warthog’) is an unofficially sanctioned badass currently doing the rounds in Iraq and other Middle Eastern countries grouped together on the news. At $700,000 each, it would best be described as a premium product, the MacBook Pro of all-wheel drive armoured vehicles. For the money it delivers a lot of bang. The IBD Modular Expandable Armor System, or IBDMEAS, or Ib-dum-ee-ass, can withstand an IED attack, which in layman’s terms means you can bomb the hell out of it and not very much will happen. The armour is also designed to deflect rocket-propelled grenades. In the likely event that a counter arse-kicking is in order, it sports a browning machine gun and, my personal favourite, a Mk 19 grenade launcher. Totally M1117. Quite how it handles horsemen is not part of the spec, though my guess is ‘quite well’.
Do you have it in Black?
Sometimes though, ib-dum-ee-as and a grenade launcher is just a little too, well, pansy. Step forward the Stryker, an eight-wheeled monster weighing in a fat 16 tons. Don’t think you can call it chubby and leggit though; it’s capable of 62mph. The asking price for this tubby sprinter is an ice cold $1.2 million. Nevertheless, pity the poor fool in his Stryker who challenges his mate in the TPz Fuchs to a game of paintball. The Fuchs is a brutal monstrosity of a thing. When its not busying itself with carrying personnel or matching the Stryker for weight and speed, it enjoys itself by taking out other vehicles with its MILAN anti-tank-guided missiles, allowing any potential driver to utter the unbeatable, ‘I just Fuchs you up.’
Yeah, but wheel balancing is a pain...
Weapons may be impressive, but when facing off against the four horsemen, the best line of offence is a strong defence. Take the Cougar range, with such famous customers as the United Kingdom, the US, and, brilliantly, Iraq. Lesson one in intimidation: make the publicity shot for the vehicle one of it getting blown up and surviving with nary a scratch. Lesson two, make the second publicity shot one of the vehicle parked up all casual and caption it with ‘This little tyke took a few steel-toed whacks in the short and curlies and still nudged home on three wheels with all officers present and correct.’ And make an Aussie say it.
Is that all you've got??
Sometimes, though, it’s just not enough to walk the walk and talk the talk. Sometimes it’s just best to look mean. And I don’t mean bomber jacket and Rambo boots mean, I mean mean. A good tactic when trying to make a car look mean is strapping the front of a steam train to it.
Favoured by the Met police during demonstrations
This baby is a SWAT “Riot Truck”, capable of maximum badassness. It is yet to be established whether it is called the Riot Truck because it causes riots or because it stops them. The plow on the front has a 3-tonne capacity, meaning it could move a fat Land Rover out of the way and still make room to do over a couple of Minis too. The paint is resistant to Molotov cocktails. Okay, it’s not as durable, powerful or plain invincible as the Stryker or the Cougar, but the great thing about the Riot Truck is that, unlike the aforementioned vehicles, it’s built for intimidation. The Cougar looks like an army vehicle that could withstand a few knocks. The Riot Truck looks like it could withstand a direct impact from God. Which is what this article is all about.
There is one more question to answer. When the four horsemen are on your tail, where do you hide? How about the world’s most secure car park. Where could it be? The Pentagon? Fort Knox? How about Derby, UK. The Bold Lane car park has been listed as one of the ten most secure places in the world. Park up your Riot Truck and enjoy. If it will fit.
*For the unitiated, ‘riding bitch’ refers to occupying the middle seat in the back of the car, where legroom is limited.
