These are dark days. Not just literally, but metaphorically as well. Everyday we’re confronted with more doom and gloom from the news. Corus yesterday announced 3,500 job cuts, Honda have pulled out of all motorsport and it’s still January. It’s not very fun out there.
Having fun this January? You’re in the minority!
What can you do if you’re a business, how do you survive and make the most of a bad year? Well, here is a list of things that you, as a company, can do to cut your costs and maximise your profits:
1) Cut your coffee costs
Caffeine is the lubrication of the office cubicle masses. The amount that is drunk per worker (especially in these dark times) each day is roughly equal to the weight of Brian Blessed circa Flash Gordon era. It keeps them alive. But it also dents your pocket. Have you seen how much a big tub of Nescafe Gold Blend is? Here’s a tip for you. Keep your old tin of coffee, buy a new one and fill them both half full. Then, fill the rest of the tins up with dirt. I claim it’s a new type of fair trade coffee, and you’re laughing.
Dirt. Coffee. It’s all the same. Sort of.
2) Control the heating
Apparently there’s a minimum temperature that office workers can work at. That temperature, under UK law is 16 degrees. Set the thermostat to 17 and tell all of the workers that you’re within the law. Also, it may have the side-effect that your workers will work harder to keep warm.
See, they get a chance to accessorize more, which makes them happy
3) Make everyone call customers after 6pm
Simple really, everyone knows that it’s cheaper to call people after 6pm, so you’re saving money hand over fist. Plus, you may get people’s home numbers and mobile numbers which will improve your chance of getting hold of people -simple really.
You miss the rush hour traffic and speak to more people. Perfect
4) Make every worker only have a 14kbs Modem
Want to improve your worker’s productivity? Are they always on Carrentals’ blog, Facespace and Twitter? Save on those broadband costs by making every member of staff have to connect their computer to a 14k Modem manually, unplugging their phoneline and getting those tell-tell dial-up noises. No one, not even the most ardent Facespace addict could cope with doing that on the sly at 11am on a Tuesday morning.
A slow modem will improve work. Unless you use G-mail that is
5) Join Carrentals’ affiliate program
Or, if you value your staff and think they’re an ok bunch of people, you have another option – you can join Carrentals’ newly launched affiliate program. All the companies have to do is feature a banner on their site which visitors click on to make their booking. Click here to have a look.
Join the affiliate program and this will be your office junior’s car
6) Only let them use natural light
This works best in the summer, obviously, but can be used to help save light in the winter as well, two words – miner’s helmets. In the summer, you can tell them that natural light is good for them, and in the winter, that these helmets will stop you getting SADD. Win-win on the electrical costs.
That’s all the light they need anyway.
